Given the multitude of consultations I receive on a recurring and distressing issue, which is the attachment to an online persona and becoming entangled in it, I believe it is necessary to summarize three essential pieces of advice for Muslim women on social media, in the hopes of minimizing psychological losses and avoiding worse outcomes.
You Are Engaging with a Virtual Realm
First, my dear sister, know that you are dealing with a virtual world. The man behind the platform whether he is a scholar, a daa’iyah (caller), or a dedicated seeker of knowledge who captivates you with his behavior and engagement with the issues of his religion and nation is a person who presents the best of what he loves for himself on screen and conceals the worst of what he does not wish for you to see. He is at the forefront of da’wah (the act of calling or inviting people to Islam) and supporting, and not seeking to present himself as a potential spouse. Therefore, what he displays is related to his role in da’wah and support, not his suitability as a husband.
When you look at his account and see a committed and impactful personality, remember that you do not know the other side of him—the side of vulnerability and human flaws. Let your perspective be realistic; there is no “dream man,” no “unique personality,” no “one-of-a-kind man,” nor “ideal man.” He is simply a man who strives, possessing both virtues and flaws. If you wish to evaluate him, do so with reason, not naive emotion.
This means tempering your admiration and ceasing to be overly impressed by every interaction you see from a committed young man on social media. Remember that he is a virtual persona, and it is irrational to become attached to a virtual identity. Should you know the reality and details of his life, you might be shocked!
Often, a man may appear committed online, yet fail to uphold the same standards in his actual life. He might speak of cherished values and principles online but struggle to embody them in reality. Therefore, temper your admiration and remind yourself of realism. Behind the account is a human being who makes mistakes and gets things right just like everyone else. Do not be deceived by your admiration into clinging to an illusion.
Beware of Illusion and the Consequences of Disillusionment!
The story begins with a significant admiration for a virtual persona, and it doesn’t end there! It leads to meticulous monitoring of every movement, interaction, relationship, and comment. The attachment to an idealized, illusory image grows stronger. This can lead to manipulation and devil’s footsteps, as you eagerly seek private communication with an empty heart yearning for solace, viewing the person before you as the dream of your life.
The young man, a human like any other, may perceive this and, if he is pious, he might close the door from the start while you continue to pray that he seeks you out for marriage. Or worse, he may falter and be tempted, sharing your dreams and psychological needs, and then begin talking about exceptions and relationships based on serving the cause of Allah!
What might follow could devastate you, as he expresses a desire to marry and requests to see your pictures. You might, driven by admiration and the notion of exception, impulsively consent without rationally considering whether he truly suits you for marriage. He may be idealized to the extent that what is unacceptable for others becomes permissible for him, illustrating the pitfalls of deceptive admiration.
Subsequently, dreams of a perfect romance and idealistic conversations may end in a nightmare. Often, the young man retreats, finding countless excuses, leaving you in anguish after having opened the door and filled you with hope!
We observe cases where some devout Muslim women, fleeing from harsh and lifeless realities and who have never engaged in relationships with men, face inevitable disillusionment. This can lead to a significant relapse in their lives, causing them to lose the joy in everything beautiful and struggle to pursue important goals, leading to weakness and retreat. They are left with a shattered persona at the beginning of their promising lives!
I do not exaggerate when I say that such situations have led to the relapse of many young women who were once full of potential and had the attributes of a devout Muslim woman. However, a moment of temptation and folly has caused their irreversible disillusionment, leaving them with no enthusiasm for marriage. They have lost faith in all who are committed!
Behind the Screen is a Stranger, Before Being a Preacher or Scholar!
The fact that he has opened a channel of communication with you and engaged with you personally or with interest does not imply that he has any authority beyond ‘not speaking too softly’ and accepting ‘what he requests from you.’ Do not fall into the trap of thinking that he has gained control over you due to the quickness of your heart’s inclinations and assumptions.
Even if he offers to teach you the Quran through private communication, do not deceive yourself; such requests often lead to deeply distressing outcomes for those with vulnerable hearts.
I have witnessed cases where someone contacted a preacher for Quranic instruction and ended up in a private conversation that escalated to sharing inappropriate photos and conversations, followed by reckless actions and eventual abandonment halfway through.
As a result, she lost trust in committed individuals and became fearful of marriage discussions altogether.
These are real stories, shared here out of a sense of responsibility and a duty to warn others about the dangers faced by those who are unaware of the temptations that surround us in these times.
If it were not for my commitment to maintaining the confidentiality of these consultations, I would have shared the details so that everyone, including some students of knowledge and preachers unaware that their private conversations are being brought up in consultations, might be warned. They may dismiss the scrutiny of others, but they should fear Allah. They must safeguard the honor of Muslims—not just for the sake of the girl they speak to in private in ways they would not dare in public, but also for her Muslim father and brother.
Three Common Causes
From the consultations I’ve reviewed, three common causes stand out as leading to emotional disappointment and collapse:
The third is lowering one’s guard with a religiously committed man, believing that his piety ensures protection and commitment. This fails to acknowledge that the temptation of women is one of the greatest threats to a man, and if he falls into it, he loses much of his dignity as a man. Do not aid the devil in stripping a Muslim man of his honor. Adhere to Allah’s boundaries and do not place burdens on a person beyond their capacity.
The first is the overwhelming admiration for a distinguished Muslim figure, mistaking all that glitters for gold. The remedy for this is realism and abandoning disillusioning fantasies. Remind yourself that what you see is not necessarily the truth, and his real-life character is the most accurate reflection of who he is.
The second is private communication, which is a step of the devil. It makes both parties vulnerable and exposes their weaknesses, except for those whom Allah has protected. Therefore, I warn young women who are impressed by certain individuals not to message young men who captivate them with their activity. I urge them to guard their dignity and rise above anything that might diminish her value in the eyes of those who hold her in high regard. There is no need to contact him when obtaining Islamic knowledge is so easily accessible in our time, with an abundance of books, websites, channels, and female advisors for the sake of Allah.
Original article
ثلاث وصايا مُلحّة للمسلمات على مواقع التواصل
Three Urgent Recommendations for Muslim Women on Social Media -pdf-
